Hope celebrated, hope of lives changed, hope for the future.
That is what resonated at the annual SCAN (Stop Child Abuse Now) luncheon aptly named Hope: A Child’s Wish. The auditorium was filled at the Cove Church in Mooresville earlier this month as community members gathered to hear multiple perspectives on SCAN and to learn about the organization and to help provide hope for the future.
The event began with a somber moment of remembering and honoring the 25 children in North Carolina who lost their lives at their hands of their caregivers in 2017. The children ranged in age from 4-days to 18 years-old. Except for quiet music playing in the background, the room was silent as the name of each child and cause of death was read. As the names were shared, a single rose was brought to the front and placed on a small chair draped in black cloth, one for each child.
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As Robin Nicholson, parent education coordinator for SCAN of Iredell, approached the podium following the ceremony, she paused and then said, “your heart breaks when you think about how these children came to a tragic and untimely death.”
Nicholson has worked with abused and neglected children and their families in Iredell County for 30 years and with SCAN for two years.
“These roses in front of me are a stark reminder of the most serious consequences of childhood abuse and neglect,” she said. “However, for each one of these roses here in this seat, there are still thousands of children across the state of North Carolina that are living in homes where abuse and neglect is still an issue. Iredell County is no exception.”
An ongoing problem
Nicholson said last year the Iredell County Department of Social Services investigated 1, 270 cases involving 2,559 children. As of March 31 of this year, there were 141 families with 302 children under investigation, and there were 96 families with 186 children that they were working with actively where abuse and neglect had been identified. In Iredell County, there are 178 children in foster care.
Most of these children will remain in the home with their parents or will be returned back to the home of the parents. “Why is that?” she said.
“There are various reasons for that,” she said, “and the one that I have found over my years working with these families and children and the most important reason is that, except in rare occasions, most children still love their parents. They want to be with their parents. They just want the abuse and the neglect to end.”
Nicholson said she has seen a large percentage of cases involving generational abuse and neglect. The parents love their children and want to be able to provide a safe and loving home for them, Nicholson said. “They know what they want to do, but don’t know what to do or when stress becomes a problem, they revert back to what they are familiar with,” she said.
Making a change
She pointed out that the right services can help parents change their behavior – and SCAN can help orchestrate that change. Many of the services are voluntary, allowing the parent to be in control of their circumstances.
“Mandated services often do not facilitate the kind of relationships that can make lasting changes,” she said. “If there is any change, oftentimes with mandated services, the changes will be only temporary, just long enough to get the mandated services to end.”
The services at SCAN can also be long-term which is needed because, “when you are talking about a generational issue, you are talking about decades of time. It takes time to break old habits and form new ones,” Nicholson said. “SCAN’s parent-aid program is designed to work with parents for one to two years, or can work with them longer if necessary.”
The aide is constantly available by phone and helps support the parents in multiple ways, including helping continue schooling so the cycle of poverty can end, helping provide transportation, supporting them in court, school meetings and more. Sometimes it is just sitting and providing a listening ear.
“SCAN is also what I call a ‘good finder,’” Nicholson said as she quoted Dr. James Kennedy who said ‘there is an astonishing power in being a good finder. It can transform a person. Fault finding is totally counterproductive. If you want people to change, it will be finding the good in them. That’s what transforms a person.’
“SCAN finds the good in these parents, the strengths they have, and works on that to facilitate lasting change.”
Nicholson introduced Rena Kirby, a client who shared her story of how she came to SCAN.
A wonderful program
A mother of three, a 12-year-old daughter, 5-year-old son and a 1-year-old daughter, Kirby was a self-referral to SCAN coming to the center in May 2018.
As she took the stage, Kirby praised those she has been working with in the parenting classes and the center.
“It’s been an absolutely wonderful program,” she said.
Then she began her story. She said all was great when she was a child, but then her mom got pregnant, her dad left for war and “something just kinda happened.
“Mom just kinda got emotionally distraught,” she said, and “that left a lot of the brunt end of things upon me because she wasn’t able to basically take care of herself or us kids. So I basically became the parent for many years until I left the home. It was a lot of emotional abuse, physical abuse, and not with particularly with me but I think in the immediate household there was some sexual abuse.”
Even into adulthood, Kirby said she fell into abusive relationships. She said she didn’t understand why it kept happening.
She said that a threat on her life in front of her child brought DSS into her world and she was scared. This ended up being a blessing to her because she was just “really, really glad to get out of that situation alive. I proceeded to take care of my daughter and home. I began succeeding in my job and everything around me.”
She says she continued to face mental abuse over the years and abuse from outside the family as well. “And life just kind of took its toll on me.”
She said she started drinking a little too much, and about three months later realized she didn’t want to be like her abusers, so she checked herself into rehab.
Going through what she described as a very bad and stressful custody battle, Kirby said she was asked to take a parenting class. However, she felt she didn’t really learn a lot with this particular course, so she decided to go online and saw a parenting class offered through SCAN.
“I paid for it and I went to it and I loved it.”
Correcting the behavior
While going through clinical director Laurie Trosuk’s class, she said she learned things about her parenting she needed to correct.
“We all have things that we need to work on,” she said. “Within that class I learned there are different parenting structures based on the different personalities of the children that are in your home because we are not all alike. I also learned that there were different levels of what brings you to your frustration and anger. I loved it. I was like ‘Wow, you guys got any more classes’. I love to learn.”
She learned of another class SCAN offered called “Love and Logic,” which she wanted to take. However, at the time she had no money for the course.
“I was going through this custody battle waiting for my Social Security disability to come in for my PTSD from the past trauma and abuse I have endured most of my life that had finally caught up with me because I was taking care of the rest of the world. And so I felt kind of backed into a corner and wasn’t getting the resources I needed and after being sober and clean for two years I thought ‘Well if I drink nine beers and smoke a little bit of pot I can get some help.’”
She realized that this was not a good decision and now she wants to instill some changes for those who feel they likewise have no recourse in similar situations.
While taking a PTSD trauma class, she met a lady at the facility.
“I thought it was divine intervention,” Kirby said.
Talking with her about the programs she was connected with, SCAN was mentioned, and Kirby immediately asked if she could take the Love and Logic class, and the answer was not only yes, but she could actually have someone come into the home and it would be free. And this is when she met Susan White, parent aide with SCAN. White has been coming into her home and doing the class with her.
“And it has been absolutely phenomenal. I have learned so much from that class,” Kirby said.
Making needed changes
Through the programs at SCAN, Kirby said she has learned change needs to start with her.
“No matter if you fall and make a mistake or what you do, the change is always there, and programs are out there. It has been so beneficial to me and my family. SCAN has just been absolutely wonderful,” Kirby stressed.
She credited her success to everyone working together to help her become the loving mother she says she is today and to give her courage.
“I wouldn’t have the courage to stand up here today if it wasn’t for SCAN, if it wasn’t for them coming into my life,” she said. “It built up my level of confidence as an individual, as a mother knowing I’ve been doing the right things. I can’t control the rest of the world, but I can control what happens within my family. And today my family is very loving and caring. All the resources are working together to make my life better and I am just glad that I’m not one of those statistics out there.”
Following Kirby’s story, Tennille Kilby-Sherrill sang the song, “For Good” which echoes the speeches. One of the lines of the song said “because I knew you, I have been changed for good.”
Ryan Pegarsch, a SCAN board member who served as Master of Ceremonies, noted how “Rena was changed for good because of SCAN, because she voluntarily gave up her time to go to a parenting class.”
Amy Eisele, executive director of SCAN, closed the program with a word of thanks to George Bryan, who was in the audience.
Bryan is “the reason we are in N.C.” Eisele said. “He’s the one that brought SCAN to Winston-Salem first and then to us. He’s the reason we’re here and I just can’t thank him enough because you have helped us touch so many families with their children. He helped us get what we needed to be able to do this,” she said.
“Thank you George, and thank you every single one of you because your money is certainly going to help us touch more families and keep on going,” Eisele said, “but even more I know so many of you have helped our families and helped us in so many ways with food and gas cards and with your prayers.”
She encouraged everyone to keep praying.
“Those prayers are underneath us so that we have a good foundation to help our families,” Eisele said. “Thank you, thank you, thank you! And that’s not words enough.”
