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Scott Hollifield: Nudity in the News, fall 2021 edition
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Scott Hollifield: Nudity in the News, fall 2021 edition

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The leaves are turning, a chill is in the air and the hellish groundhogs have rooted under my shed after devouring two-thirds of the garden’s summer bounty. That could only mean one thing: It’s time for the fall 2021 edition of Nudity in the News, a semi-regular feature putting a spotlight on things that should stay covered up.

DOWN, SET, WHAT THE …? — According to the website Law & Crime, a youth football team was practicing pass patterns and punt returns at a high school field in Jefferson County, Missouri, when a 27-year-old woman went way off sides, sans pads, pants and everything but a scarf draped around her neck.

The story said she stripped down, hopped a fence and “reportedly ran across the football field in full view of 29 eighth graders.”

If they had timed her at 4.4 in the 40-yard dash, she might be getting a call from Jacksonville Jaguars coach Urban Meyer. Or maybe they could just discuss a tryout in person later at the bar.

Back in Missouri, officers arrived, found the streaker on the field and charged her with felony misconduct. She was released on a $10,000 bond, given her scarf back and now hopes to negotiate with organizers of the 2022 Super Bowl halftime show for a guest appearance, since she will not have a wardrobe to malfunction.

That wasn’t the only sports-related nudity incident to make the news. The following ruined several fancy-pants golf outings when a trouser-less intruder decided to play through.

HE SHOULD HAVE WORN TWO PAIRS OF PANTS IN CASE HE GOT A HOLE IN ONE — The Scottish Sun reported that startled guests at the upscale Fairmont Hotel at St. Andrews “saw the stark naked bloke being chased by police officers on the golfing green. The 19-year-old is believed to have run four miles along the coast before he was tackled and cuffed by cops, following a scuffle which left a police dog injured.”

The Sun quoted an onlooker: “Supposedly he’d ran butt naked along the beach all the way from St Andrews but cops finally caught up with him and arrested him. There was a police helicopter circulating overhead and multiple police vans and cars. It was a very random and distressing sight to see.”

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According to my unreliable sources, one guest was reportedly unimpressed, describing the suspect as “just a wee lad.”

Public nudity, though, doesn’t always mean someone’s up to something nefarious.

DON’T BEND OVER IN THE GARDEN, GRANNY. YOU KNOW THEM TATERS GOT EYES (God bless you, Lewis Grizzard) — According to the website Stuff, outdoor enthusiasts in New Zealand grabbed shovels and rakes, pulled off their pants and gloves and celebrated Nude Gardening Day in October.

“If you’re in nature and you remove the restrictive clothing, it just removes that boundary, and you can experience nature more directly,” said Dion Dewitt, who has obviously never backed into a patch of poison ivy while frolicking about the landscape.

A video accompanying the story offered nude gardening tips, such as:

Nothing prickly or containing sap or toxins.

Use sunblock. Lots of it. Everywhere.

No power tools. Don’t want to cut anything off.

I would add: Do your planting and trim your bushes somewhere other than a football field during eighth grade practice or a Scottish golf course in front of judgmental onlookers.

That does it for the fall 2021 edition of Nudity in the News. Keep your pants on because winter is coming. That’s what the groundhogs told me.

Scott Hollifield is editor and general manager of The McDowell News in Marion and a humor columnist. Email him at rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com.

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